Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Should Have Stayed In Bed

So, I meant to write this yesterday, but was totally worn out, you'll see why.

Have you ever have one of those days, where when its over, you think: "Are you kidd-ing me?" So many crazy (embarrassing) things happened, I thought maybe if I shared them, it could make you feel not so bad the next time you have one, too. Here's how it all began...

I packed up my two little darlings, for a morning of errands with a grocery store finale. We headed out to JoAnns, where I got suckered into letting Luke walk. Damn it. Why? Why do I always let him win that battle? I know something will happen, but he pleads, and begs, says, "I walk riiiiiiiiiiiiiight here by Mommy", and he does. For 5 seconds. And then poof! he sees something that he has to fiddle with. This time it was the life size Nutcracker soldiers on display. He kept going up to them nosetonose and then backing up really quickly and yelling, "SCARRRRR-EEEE!!!" (while bumping into everything on the shelf behind him.) Once he finally rejoined me, I smelt something "scarrr-eee!" and promptly took him into the bathroom. I did happen to have a cart full of stuff, plus Morgan in her baby seat, so I just rolled the cart into the bathroom- riiiiiight as an employee was coming out of a stall. She gave me the stink eye, as I had brought "unpaid merchandise" into the bathroom, but seriously, what do you do in that situation? So she starts to wash her hands, while I am getting my diapering stuff out of my bag. I lower the changing station table, and Luke starts freaking out! He HATES being up on those, and in his panic, his little two-year old brain misfires, and he starts saying, "No! Don't hurt me Mommy! Don't hurt me!" as I am lifting him up on that thing. Guess who suddenly starts washing her hand like she is going into open heart surgery? That's right JoAnn employee-lady. Now she is REALLY giving me the stink eye. I keep telling him, "You're fine, your fine." hoping she won't promptly walk out and call CPS. Finally, he calms down, I change him, and she leaves. I figure I can go potty myself superquick with the door open so I can keep an eye on Bubs. I race in the stall, race out and wash both our hands. We continue our shopping, and I keep getting weird looks from people. This one lady was the worst- she wouldn't even enter the ribbon aisle while I'm there- she just keeps looking at me weird. So I'm thinking, "What?!?!?! Did the bathroom lady tell the whole store that I beat my child while changing his diaper?!?!?" I am totally freaking out, so we leave. I load up the car, put the kids in and I am burning up. So I take off my little trench-like jacket only to realize that in my haste to pee, the belt sash that I had tied in a cute little bow in the back HAD FALLEN IN THE POTTY! They were soaked! I had basically walked all over JoAnns with a peepee tail. Nice.

Shaking off that embarrassment, we head to Wal-Mart, where I insisted that Bubs ride in the cart while I had Morgan in the Baby Bjorn. We are shopping along, when I notice that every time Luke's sees an old man, he looks at them and say, "Aft-ta-noooon" in this very silly voice. Some think this is cute. Others do not- they give me looks like, "What is up with your kid?". I soon realize he is quoting the preview for the new Disney movie "Up" that is shown before Wall-E.

Anyway, we keep shopping and Luke is getting restless and sillier by the minute, and we are stopped in this super crowded aisle, when this sweet little old lady stops to say hi to him. What does he say back, you ask??? Hello? Hi? Buenos dias?!? Nope! He looks at her and says (yells), "Do the poop-y dance!" and dies laughing! (A little background: he has a CD of kid songs that has one song where they play crazy music and the kids all yell, "Do the GOOFY dance!" every now and then. Of course, Jas took this opportunity to make the song inappropriate (as always!) and taught Bubs to say poopy instead of goofy.) The poor women feels like she missed something because Luke is so proud of himself, and she asks me what he has said. Now. I should have been a little quicker on my feet here and made up something, but, remember: I am in get-through-the-store-super-fast-mode and I tell her the TRUTH! She looks at me like I am some sort of awful mother who obviously lets her child do some sort of bowel-moving-dance, and quickly walks away. UGH! So, finally, I am done and we get to the checkout line. Luke is yelling at me to open the box of Scooby-Doo fruit snacks he has managed to wedge out of the stack of groceries, Morgan is starting to fuss, I am trying to get some things on to the belt, but the women in front of me had a ton of stuff too. Obviously, she is a Wal-mart grocery shopping pro, having hit up the health asiles first because I notice that her pharmacy items are the last things left. I see she has those diet "shots" (you know, they look like little coffee creamers) and just to make small talk while we wait for the cashier to catch up, I causally ask her, "Do you find that those work for you?" YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER FACE! It was a little "You nosy b----" mixed with a little "Oh my God, please stop talking to me. PLEASEstoptalkingtome!!!!" mixed with a little "Get me the hell outta here." Why you ask? Why didn't she just answer my innocent question? Well, I wondered that myself until I looked a little closer and realized those little diet shots where right next to a HUGE box of TROJAN CONDOMS! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure she took one look at me and my sniffling, crying children and probably wanted to either put them back or give them to me. MORT.I.FIED. Seriously. It was to the point that I did a little "Crazy Town"-laughing-crying-thing all the way home.

I did read a good quote today though: "Reality is so much more interesting than happily ever after." Is it ever!


The Goodrichs said...

you are HILARIOUS..... i have been given the
"You nosy b----" mixed with a little "Oh my God, please stop talking to me. PLEASEstoptalkingtome!!!!" mixed with a little "Get me the hell outta here." and no condoms were involved.... so dont beat yourself up too bad...

when can we get these kids together and play? or do you think we could handle such?

Rachel Berry said...

Oh my gosh what a day! Yeah I would have stayed in bed....:)

Oh and I use a Canon 30D FYI!

The Saras Family said...

every time i read your blog i get afraid i may wake hudson with my laughing.
you should have heard what i said to rogers BOSS took me an entire bag of mint M&Ms to get over.
hummm...just noticed my word verification is prostate. that's odd...

Anonymous said...

Ahh, the joys of being a Mommy! You never know what's going to happen next! Sure makes our jobs exciting though!!

Thanks for posting a button for Create on your site!


Anonymous said...

I'll see your "Do the poopy dance!" and raise you one "my brother may have a p&ni$, but I have a gyeena."
Little old ladies, be warned.