Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Lost And Found

So, guess what I did this past weekend? (Besides have some deliciosas margaritas...)
I re-found a friend.
Well that's silly, you say, where did I lose her?
I'm thinking it must have been somewhere on the road between HecticHomeLifeVille and MiscommunicationTown. I think the Lost and Found for girlfriends there must be full to the brim. But thank God you can go there, and look, and see if the friend you might have otherwise lost, is still there: You both might look a little different. You both might feel a little different. But your hearts haven't changed. You still know each other from the inside out.Remember my C.T.J. I had the other day? Well, just writing it really shook me up. Since then, (and since I've been well!) I have consciously woken up every morning and thanked God for a new day with my precious children and my loving husband, and made a commitment to truly be in the moment. To savor every Play-Doh snake I make and every chapter of Junie B. Jones I read aloud. I have hugged Jas a little longer than I normally would- because I have no where to rush off to. I have made no immediate plans, other than enjoying each day and playing it by ear for the most part.
And along with this commitment to my family, I made a commitment to myself. I want to feel like myself again. I got lost in the shuffle after Luke was born, a victim of E.E.F. (Everyone Else First) and I don't think that's healthy in the long run. Being my own person is what got me where I am today and I need to honor that. I need to take the time to put in the effort to focus on what I love and makes me truly happy. And one thing I love, love, love is my girlfriends. I have always had a pretty big circle of friends, its waxed and wained over the years, but my girlfriends are something that mean a lot to me. I am lucky enough to have two fabulous sisters, and each girlfriend I had was just like adding another. I always felt like those friendships were that close because it wasn't all smiles and rainbows; there was heartache, fear and loss. There were celebrations and disagreements. But more than anything there was laughter and love and confirmation that we are not all loosing it! And every friend I have found has had that "something": a quality I was lacking, skills I admired, a new perspective on things. Most of the time I am actually in awe that these women want to be my friend.
Especially my girlfriend Cat. She is so fabulous. Like, seriously, seriously fabulous. We met at work, and formed a friendship over microwaved lunches eaten at a rickety card table and hushed discussions with our co-workers over how we were planning to get the hell outta there. She and I then wised up, and would make a break for the coffee shop around the corner- where we could talk out loud about how we felt, and from work talk came boy talk and from boy talk came talk about marriage and babies and family and life... I will never forget one of the first times we had "escaped" and she says to me, "So, I went out the other night to this new place... Have you ever seen 'Eyes Wide Shut'?" WHOA, TONTO! I think I almost choked on my coffee, expecting her to start sharing a little tooo much that early in our friendship. That had totally come out the wrong way, and we started cracking up as my prudish tendencies came shining through, and I got the first taste of living through Cat's fabulous adventures (that had nothing to do with underground societies, by the way- just a fancy VIP elevator...)
She has always been the Neimans to my Old Navy- I just feel a little classier standing next to her. She has such a strong sense of self, and knows just the right way to speak up- which is a gift I do not have and admire so much. She is so calm and centered. She is kind and understanding. She is funny, and smart. She is beautiful inside and out. So needless to say, there has been a void in my life for the past year. I missed her so much, and it was fear of the unknown that kept me from reaching out to her. We had drifted apart and I told myself stories of why and how that weren't true, so I wouldn't have to put myself out there and face the fact that I might have hurt my friend... Do you know how stupid that is? I let one of my closest friends drift out of my life for fear of an uncomfortable encounter, because I was scared she was really mad at me and couldn't stand to face that idea. But- remember how I want "Me" back- well, She is a big part of Me. So I decided to go looking through that Friend Lost and Found- whatever the outcome would be- I needed to at least go look.
And I thank God that I did. Because I found her. When someone has been by your side through so much, has been a genuine friend through it all- you can't let them go. She has been in my thoughts every day- I never really lost her. I am lucky to have such friends: The kind who you can not see for so long, and then a few drinks and a few hours later, its like no time has passed. There's a little patch work to be done. A little dust to brush off. You make sense of what happened: There are some truths to be told and some sorries to be said. But then those moments are over and done. And then you make promise to create an emergency plan, so that you know what to do next time one of you gets "lost."

Look how sweet- Cat and Miss O, her flower girl...Love this pic...Love it.


TheAustinEmpire said...

Sush a sweet post. I have a few of those lost friends, sometimes I wonder if I'm maybe the one who's lost, waiting to be found.

Glad to hear you're on your way back to "you".

4Hoffman's said...

Where is this lost and found? I am pretty sure I am missing a few from along the way too!

Kasey said...

What a great post. I too/have suffered from e.e.f.!! Girl time is so important to me too!! I love it. Do you make your daugther's bows? They are so so cute. And your children are adorable!!

Anonymous said...

This makes me so happy for you both.
Good job reaching out- I know that's scary.
love, mom