Validation

Remember my psychiatrist? One of the smartest women I have ever met? She once pointed out something about me that she found interesting: I say, "...so I don't/ didn't/ wouldn't look like a crazy person..." ALOT. She (jokingly) asked me why that is one of by biggest fears. Why do I worry what people think about the choices I make and how does that effect the things I do and the way I behave? I think it boils down to the fact that I have very strong feelings about certain things - but at the same time, I look around at other people and see how they are living and doing fine and I wonder if I am crazy for feeling the way I do. Am I wrong? Dr. S pointed out that we can spend an enormous amount of our lives searching for one thing: validation of our beliefs and feelings.

And believe it or not, last night I got a big whopping spoonful of validation. From Dave Ramsey of all people.

Jas and I have ALWAYS, for almost 8 years now!, disagreed about money. We have never seen eye to eye on things- and we have tried everything under the sun to make things work out: elaborate budgets, separate bank accounts, my handling all the bills, him handling all the bills. It has made both of us nuts and it has caused more shouting matches than I care to disclose. It is one of the only real things we fight about. Honestly. (That and the fact that he doesn't think that "butt" is a bad word. But, I digress...)

So last night at out FPU class the whole lesson was about Nerds (me) and Free Spirits (Jas). Every thing Dave said about each of us and our planning and living styles was SO SPOT ON we kept turning and looking at each other with big saucer-eyes. VALIDATION. I am not crazy for thinking we should have a budget and expecting us to stick to it. I am not crazy for making spreadsheets, outlines and Power Point presentations on the topic in hopes of getting him on board. That's just me. We are who we are. We handle things differently. And that's okay.

He touched on how men and women approach shopping. I can't tell you how many times I have asked Jas to go shopping with me, only for it to end up being a complete beating. Over the years, it bothered me that we would always leave in such a huff if we tried to buy something together- what was wrong with us??? Uh, nothing. We are completely normal, typical men and women. We don't like to shop the same way and have no business doing it together. More validation. We are who we are. We handle things differently. And that's okay.

But most importantly, and again, the reason for us attending this workshop, is the issue of saving. I have felt so uneasy about things since I have stayed home. I have told myself stories about how much stress and anguish I was causing Jas. I have worn myself into the ground trying to control so many areas of our life because inside I felt like things were so NOT in control. I was making everyone nuts. And it all boiled down to our finances- and the fact that we never have had it together, even when I was working. My major issue was that when I go back to school and then re-enter the workforce, I want it to bless our family. I want that money to help where it really needs it: college funds, wedding funds (we'll have 2 to pay for!), our retirement. I will feel secure when we are financially secure. Dave explained the feelings I had so simply, and I know Jas got it. He fought me tooth and nail about taking this class, and I think at that moment he finally understood. Again, more validation.

I love that when we leave the classes we actually talk. About the class. We sit in the car in the garage for a few more minutes after we arrive home, discussing how what we learned ties into our lives together. We get of the car and hold hands as we walk into the house. This process is slowly, but surely really truly strengthening our marriage. It is making us a real team, not just the default kind that comes from being married. Its funny, we have known each other for almost 12 years now and this stranger comes into our lives: he gives us the knowledge and the strength to make better choices, he opens our eyes to a new way of living and amazingly enough, he explained each of us to the other. So let people think we live like "crazy people" when this is all said and done. He and I will know the truth. (wink)